Lesson 31: The Lie Someone Told

"Shame is the lie someone told you about yourself."
Anaïs Nin

So interesting: I feel like I've done so much personal work and been in communities and organizations and all kinds of shit for this purpose, and Shame has only come up a handful of times. That's so strange to me. 

Today's questions are about Shame. As I was reading them and reflecting on the sources of my Shame, I realized it has been far more the times nothing was said than the times something was said that created Shame in me. 

Looks I would get from people, parents, whoever, the feelings I would feel emanating from people in their judgement of my choices. And trust me, I know I've been on the other side things too. But today's questions are about the Shame I am carrying. 

I had this moment of clarity a few years ago that went something like this: All things that we do, start, at some point, with us expressing our internal desire/frequency in a way that feels pure to us the individual. Then, however it is viewed by the outside world changes it. Warps it. Makes it shameful or wrong oftentimes. 

I had a regression hypnotherapy session one time. No idea if these events happened in this lifetime or another or at all, but the message came through. In this vision, I was sitting around with family at Christmas. I was very young - maybe 1 or 2. We were exchanging gifts. Someone picked up a present to hand to someone else. I felt inside myself, with all of my being, This Present Is For Me. I felt joy and rightness and fullness flood my body, and I reached out my hands. Just as the person handed it off to someone else. Then, the person whose lap I was in, gently tapped my hands and told me not to reach out for someone else's gift. It was rude. 

This was an amazing picture to me. How many times do we feel the rightness in something, reach for it, and get told it's not for us? And we fucking believe it. That job's not right for you. That amount of money is beyond your reach. Name it, and we have been told our dreams are too big for reality. What the Fuck?

Here are today's questions:

How much of your shame really belongs to you? 

All of it has been based on how others see me. Then I adopt it for my very own.

How much of it was inherited or unconsciously accepted? All of it. 

How much was forced upon you? I don't know. I think I got it a lot more silently than out loud. I didn't hear much "You should be ashamed or yourself." 

Are the things you're most ashamed of financially entirely based on beliefs you've simply accepted? I'm still struggling with conjuring what I'm ashamed of financially. I guess I would be ashamed if someone looked at my bank account. I would feel ashamed if someone looked at my credit cards. My balances make me feel ashamed. This is where the silent stuff comes in. My parents never really talked about money. If you're a parent, by the way, talk to your kids about money. Start today. Open your books to them and have them go over the budget with you. Anyway...they never talked much about money. I knew they had money to do the things they wanted to do. Pretty sure because they saved. They were very penny-pinching in some ways, and willy nilly in others. But there was an expectation that I should "be good" with money. Without really knowing what the fuck that means. Part of the expectation was working a regular job, even though I kind of die every time I do that. There was fury when I would leave a job I hated and go to a different job. There seems to be some expectation that I be definable. 

Have you figured out your own truths to live by, especially when it comes to Money? No. I have read books and then I have my own experiences, some that work and some that don't. Then I have my internal dialogue, some that works and some that doesn't. It's all a bit of a mess. 

It feels like I'm leaving this subject open, but I am accepting that for right now. It's a big subject.

P.S. I was just searching for an image to use with today's blog, and I came across a picture that said "Money shame and deprivation." It was a lightbulb/duh moment. We deprive ourselves of money because we feel ashamed.