MyFinancialCourse

Dreams: Rats, Honda Element, LaRie I was in a store with rats, looking at them, maybe planning to buy one. There were many cute babies. There were two older, large rats that reminded me of sewer rats when I looked at them. I thought they will never get bought because they look like that. I was shopping for a Honda Element. I did a test drive. Everything about it is what I wanted: a lot of space in the back, short windshield, drove well. Except when I put it in Park it didn't stay in park. I was working at Friendship Village. There were some cookies or cakes or something. I ran into LaRie. She was explaining a process to me. Then she asked, why was it always like this when we worked together. Like what? She explains something clearly, I take notes, and then I repeat the process but incorrectly. I said because I think I know it, but I don't. I used to be very grounded. Now I have a lot more fire and air. Spain. I went to Spain. I was sitting at a bar. I asked for water in Sp...

"Shame is the lie someone told you about yourself." Anaïs Nin So interesting: I feel like I've done so much personal work and been in communities and organizations and all kinds of shit for this purpose, and Shame has only come up a handful of times. That's so strange to me.  Today's questions are about Shame. As I was reading them and reflecting on the sources of my Shame, I realized it has been far more the times nothing was said than the times something was said that created Shame in me.  Looks I would get from people, parents, whoever, the feelings I would feel emanating from people in their judgement of my choices. And trust me, I know I've been on the other side things too. But today's questions are about the Shame I am carrying.  I had this moment of clarity a few years ago that went something like this: All things that we do, start, at some point, with us expressing our internal desire/frequency in a way that feels pure to us the individual...

Today's lesson is the beginning of a new week, and the topic is Shame. There aren't any questions today, but I feel like I'd like to get in here already and start opening myself up about shame. Many say Shame and Guilt are the lowest vibration emotions we can have. I agree with that. And I think Shame is the lowest, because it's self-inflicted. I may have said outright, or alluded, or at least thought to myself, that finances and my body seems to have a lot of overlap. When I was reading the first week about Shame, I thought of what has helped add weight to my body over the years. I was a VERY sexual-feeling adolescent. When my hormones kicked in, or my sexual energy, it was running rampant through my body. I did many things that were perceived by the outside world as shameful, and that led to me feeling shame about them when they were seen by others. I still believe to this day, if I were able to find an outlet for all of that energy - and I don't necessari...

It's very funny, when I get to the week-end check-ins, I think "is that what we explored this week?" "did I previously answer these questions?" Hmmm... This week we explored Releasing Judgment, particularly over our financial lives. How successful was this for you? I don't actually think I explored releasing judgement related to my finances. I realized that judgement becomes harsh and unproductive when we're not letting in new information based on our past judgements/ideas about something. What are my past ideas about my finances that may be prohibiting me from having a new experience?  I am not worthy I don't deserve Wealth isn't meant for me I have failed because I haven't saved I have failed because I haven't invested I have to get rid of money as soon as it comes in Abundance in the form of money is illusory Money is only meant to be exchanged for other things Money itself has no value That one is sticking. ...

I like the title of today's lesson. Here are the questions: Where does Judgment live in your body? It feels like it lives in my chest and throat. Are you aware of where tension takes up residence when you're being too hard on yourself? Hmm...maybe my chest and my throat. I know it starts to feel like a traffic jam in my head.  Are there behaviors--ranging from stress eating to biting your nails--that you can identify as triggered by old stories? Yes. What does Releasing Judgment feel like for you? I was just sharing with someone yesterday that my self-judgement feels a lot like self-deprecation and it used to spin me out into depression pretty quickly. Now, it's much less, which is awesome. It does still spiral me downward. Releasing it feels like being in the moment as the moment is showing up. Being present. Making contact. Being in my body. Being engaged. Enjoying myself. Being easy. 

It looks like I got a little behind. Interesting how quickly that happens. I'm not sure if some of these questions are literally meant to be answered, but I'm going to anyway... 23 Judging Judgement: Why shouldn't we form opinions and evaluations by using our discernment? We certainly should. How is it that judgment has been so harshly judged? I believe healthy judgement is acknowledging moment to moment what our opinions and evaluations are based on the current evidence. Judgement gets skewed when we make broad, sweeping judgements without allowing new evidence to filter in.  How does judging serve us well in creating the lives we want… and how and when does it NOT?  Based on my above definition (which I think is pretty stellar), judgement serves us when we're using it in a healthy way; it doesn't serve us when we're not allowing new information in.  24 Nailing It! This is my favorite title so far.  I don't usually include the quotes from the ...

I notice I am having some resistance to this week. One of the days I really enjoyed the questions. The rest of the week, I've had a bit of an internal eye roll that says something like "I love change. God, leave me alone!"  Well, it could be this stubborn insistence is part of what keeps me from changing the parts of my life that feel stuck. Let me try these questions in a fresh light... How do you resist change and how do you embrace it? When I look back over my life, I definitely have experienced and embraced change. But, there are areas that I stubbornly hold onto. One example is my evening routine, which is not particularly healthy, productive, or positive. It mostly consists of numbing activities. It's like a stake in the ground of my life that I've been thus far unwilling to pull up. Why? Well, it feel nurturing and nourishing on some level. It was my experience as a youth when my family would spend time together, so there are emotional connections ...

This is a very question-oriented week. One thing I have grown to appreciate is consistency. Even when I don't feel like opening these emails (this was happening at the beginning of the course), they are so easy to read and attend to, it makes it not a challenge. And the consistency over time is what creates change. I like a year. I think doing something for a year really alters your reality for the long haul. Alright, here are the questions: What lies beneath any unwillingness to change? I have heard - and believe - that humans are always seeking to move away from pain (primarily) or toward pleasure (secondarily). So, whatever our behaviors, and whatever our perceived stuckness, we are doing the behavior usually to avoid pain.  Are there memories and feelings you'd rather not deal with, even if on some level you're aware they might secretly be steering your life? Um..no. I am definitely in the processing-my-shit mindset. Some things are painful, but I am willi...

Before I go into today's questions, I'm noticing that when I open the Daily OM emails this week, I'm getting a little anxious. Maybe it is about this week's topic - getting unstuck. AAAAAAAHHHHHHH On a practical level, are there areas of your financial life where you're experiencing being stuck? Yes, duh, or I wouldn't be doing this course. Alright, getting a little defensive. Specifically, I feel stuck in my current income level. I don't want to work more at my current job; I am capped at how much I can make there for now; I have attempted to open up other potential income sources to no avail. And it pisses me off! Are there any behaviors--whether that's balancing your checkbook or paying more attention to your credit card statements--that you know would benefit you? Oh, yes! Tithing and saving are two things that would benefit me immensely. They always have, yet I get out of the rhythm of doing it and then don't go back for a long while,...

What does state of confusion feel like to you on a physical level? Do you hold tension in any particular area? How have you experienced it in your body especially when stressed over finances? Allow any messages that come up on any level about how your body reacts to change. It's a little challenging to answer these questions without currently being in a state of confusion. When I read the third question, I got a gut flinch. That seems to be where a lot of my financial wonkiness is living. In my gut. Like a punch in the gut. I do relate the feelings of chaos and confusion with panicked not being able to breathe feeling too.

Spend a moment examining any areas of your life where you've experienced a persistent struggle. I would say these areas include finances and body/consistent healthfulness.  Before I go to the next prompt in my course, I would like to restate the assertion I fell into in my last blog: The places where I'm stuck are places where multiple, conflicting thoughts/beliefs are fighting for the same place in my head.  Have you truly been willing to change? Obviously, in the places I've been stuck, no. Or did you perhaps want to change the circumstances without doing the internal work first? Mmmmm...I think it's more like, the fear or whatever is keeping me stuck, is at least as strong as the desire to change.  How would you describe your own Willingness to Change when it comes towards receiving greater wealth into your life? I believe I am willing to change now. Hence, doing this course. Is your emphasis more on changing circumstances and situations, or are you trul...

Interesting...Here are the questions from this week's review: What did you discover about your tendencies to rush towards the future or live in the past, especially when it comes to the topic of Money? What else did you discover about the power of Staying Present? I know we went over these things, because I remember writing about them, but they didn't come up much beyond the moment I read them and answered them earlier in the week. Being asked again, I notice my thoughts about money are very loopy, and immediately go into the future and the past - more the future - like the fear of not having and the desire to have. I'm pretty sure when both things try to exist in the same place, neither can actually exist. Which is probably how I pretty much find myself in the same space going forward as where I came from. What I discovered about the power of staying present, is I feel really good when I'm present. Really good. 

Here are the questions from my Daily OM course today: What happens when you tune into the present moment? What feelings come up... or what feelings depart or transform? When I tune into the present moment, it feels like everything is alright. Even if something is uncomfortable, it's okay that it's uncomfortable. When I'm out of the present moment, that's when I attach ideas and history and future to things, and it's easy to go into overwhelm.

What I'm noticing about this course overall is that I'm wanting to jump ahead. Sort of. I have done Daily OM courses before, and I appreciate their slowness; I appreciate that they sneak in under the radar of where I usually go when thinking about (in this case) finances. AND, my brain still wants to get to it. Well, Brain, this is it right here. This is all you have to get to. One day at a time, a few moments at a time. Today's place to be:  Gently self-examine where your attention goes when you think about your Money Life. When I think about my money life right now, my brain goes to all the things I want to pay for, but "can't" yet. Also, how can I create what I want by doing more of what I want? I think of how the more money I make, the more I have things to spend it on (rather than saving or using it for things down the line). I think of all the money I'm paying for taxes right now. I think how it's great to have gotten where I am financially...

Today, in my financial course, the question is, when do you feel most connected to the present moment? Well, my body likes to keep reminding me that when I get physically active and activated, I get connected to the present moment. Today I took a Pole Dance Class, which was such fun. It wasn't that strenuous, but just a little bit of breathing and using my muscles, and I felt so connected and with it. It changed my entire mood for the rest of the day.

I am actually officially on week 2 in my course, but I'm reflecting on the first week. So far, I have looked at the lessons with half an eye and half of my attention (or less). I have many different thoughts going on, and have been easily distracted. I've also been working earlier than usual, so I have less time in the morning to do my self-attention. So, these things I'm noticing translate and transfer into my financial world as well. I check into my finances, as far as my account balance and what I spent the day before, on a daily basis. Beyond that, though, I don't totally know what's going on with my money. I don't know my interest rates or how much I'm paying beyond my account balances for my credit cards. I have minimal savings. I'm paying a shitload of money monthly for taxes right now. I rarely look at finances in a broad view; I look at what I need/want at this moment and maybe for the rest of the month. It's easy for me to start s...

The title of this lesson is "Let's get Practical." I fill in my answers to these questions: My current level of self-awareness around my finances--knowing account balances, interest rates, having clear goals etc. is pretty low. I’ve been living the fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants method.   My feelings about this right now are that this is denial. I’m not very interested in denial anymore. The feeling is a low feeling through my forehead and gut .