Lesson 64: Defining Balance
Today's lesson was a meditation. Back to that in a moment.
At a friend's suggestion a few months ago, I listed to the audiobook Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert. You know, the woman who wrote Eat, Pray, Love. Big Magic is a non-fiction book about creativity and the creative process. There is a part of the book where EG is talking (she narrates the audiobook) about fear. She says she has given her fear all the space it needs, but doesn't let it drive the car. In other words, there's no point trying to get rid of the fear; just don't let it be in charge of anything.
I love this concept and the imagery that goes with it. This is a belief I've held for a long time - there is room for ALL parts of us. We just have to learn how to be with them in a way that doesn't fuck with our lives and progress too much. We will never get rid of our dark, dank parts. Just give them a little room and let them know they're not in charge. Embrace them. Give them a big ole hug. Then, sit them in a corner and tell them to be quiet while the adults talk.
During today's meditation, a part of me that I'm usually not in touch with came up - self-hatred. This isn't something I consciously experience very often. Usually, it comes as a total surprise, and I think "wow, that's still there?"
When I felt this, I paused the meditation and sat with it for a while. I asked it what it had to say. Why did it hate me? I'm in the way. I'm a nuisance. I'm annoying. I'm a burden. I complain too much. It would be easier without me around. Would I just shut the fuck up?
Another part of me, in response to these things, wanted to cower and dodge and hide. There was no threat of physical violence, just that I felt underfoot and wanted to be out of the way and not illicit such hatred. Disdain. Loathing.
The "self"-hatred definitely felt like it was coming from someone else when I tuned into it. Isn't it funny how we adopt other people's experience of us? Like we want to keep their legacy alive inside of us to continue sabotaging ourselves.
I felt all of this, experienced it in my body, tears came up. Then, I gave that part of me some room. Rather than trying to banish self-hatred I acknowledged it's a part of me.
I was able to take a deep breath.
I continued the meditation.
The next question was, what do I need to create balance for myself?
The answer I got was, find a way to have this experience of myself intentionally so it doesn't sabotage me unconsciously.
For example, when one hates another, often they want to punish or lash out. There are ways to feel this on purpose rather than waiting for it to come from outside of me or, without my permission, from inside of me.
Deep bodywork helps bring up painful places in a way that ultimately benefits but could feel punishing at the time. Same with exercise. There are positive ways to embrace the feeling and release from it rather than let it rule me.
At a friend's suggestion a few months ago, I listed to the audiobook Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert. You know, the woman who wrote Eat, Pray, Love. Big Magic is a non-fiction book about creativity and the creative process. There is a part of the book where EG is talking (she narrates the audiobook) about fear. She says she has given her fear all the space it needs, but doesn't let it drive the car. In other words, there's no point trying to get rid of the fear; just don't let it be in charge of anything.
I love this concept and the imagery that goes with it. This is a belief I've held for a long time - there is room for ALL parts of us. We just have to learn how to be with them in a way that doesn't fuck with our lives and progress too much. We will never get rid of our dark, dank parts. Just give them a little room and let them know they're not in charge. Embrace them. Give them a big ole hug. Then, sit them in a corner and tell them to be quiet while the adults talk.
During today's meditation, a part of me that I'm usually not in touch with came up - self-hatred. This isn't something I consciously experience very often. Usually, it comes as a total surprise, and I think "wow, that's still there?"
When I felt this, I paused the meditation and sat with it for a while. I asked it what it had to say. Why did it hate me? I'm in the way. I'm a nuisance. I'm annoying. I'm a burden. I complain too much. It would be easier without me around. Would I just shut the fuck up?
Another part of me, in response to these things, wanted to cower and dodge and hide. There was no threat of physical violence, just that I felt underfoot and wanted to be out of the way and not illicit such hatred. Disdain. Loathing.
The "self"-hatred definitely felt like it was coming from someone else when I tuned into it. Isn't it funny how we adopt other people's experience of us? Like we want to keep their legacy alive inside of us to continue sabotaging ourselves.
I felt all of this, experienced it in my body, tears came up. Then, I gave that part of me some room. Rather than trying to banish self-hatred I acknowledged it's a part of me.
I was able to take a deep breath.
I continued the meditation.
The next question was, what do I need to create balance for myself?
The answer I got was, find a way to have this experience of myself intentionally so it doesn't sabotage me unconsciously.
For example, when one hates another, often they want to punish or lash out. There are ways to feel this on purpose rather than waiting for it to come from outside of me or, without my permission, from inside of me.
Deep bodywork helps bring up painful places in a way that ultimately benefits but could feel punishing at the time. Same with exercise. There are positive ways to embrace the feeling and release from it rather than let it rule me.
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