Financial Course

Let's talk about this again, shall we?

I discontinued with my financial course because there was supposedly a week focused on goals, but we were never actually asked to create a goal. Which is true. Then, later, the course implied we should be working on our goals. And I'm like "what the fuck?! We never set any goals!"

Oh, my god, even just typing that I'm getting roiling in my solar plexus and anxious and I think my hands are about to break into a sweat.

Now I'm crying. Really.

As with my once upon a training, and the direction in this course, the experiences that come up in my body are really the things to be with in this journey. That's where I know what's really going on. And my body's in distress just thinking about all this.

I hopped on here today because I decided to look at the financial course again. Let me just see what the next lesson is and maybe I can continue.

The lesson is about more goals (duh) and just reading the word Goal and imagining setting goals gets me all crazed. So, it is possible that my freak out wasn't totally about the structure of the course, but about my emotions related to goals.

Just to honor my experience, it is true that having seemingly no support in doing the hardest thing asked of me so far feels like abandonment. So then I abandoned this.

Back to goals: I have come to a point in my life where I am interested in challenging my belief systems. I have a belief that I don't like to set goals because I like to be open to what life brings to me and I want to be open to respond in the moment, which may include changing trajectories.

Writing that, I feel calm and also like it's a bit of bullshit.

I also feel goals often create self-sabotage loops. This is simultaneously true and an excuse. If the goal is important enough, a person will overcome any self-sabotage.

I also feel that I stop myself from setting goals because I don't want to set one about something that isn't important enough to me, only to disappoint myself because I didn't strive enough to accomplish it.

And there's definitely some stuff about feminine energy in here. The feminine moves in cycles, the masculine just goes for it. The feminine is discerning, the masculine plants as much seed as possible. There is a possibility I have stood too long in the feminine without employing enough of the masculine to get what I want.

I think this is good for today. Or at least for right now. I'll be back.

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