Starting New and Starting Again - 1

I had an emotional breakdown going through this Financial Course before. That's okay. I'd like to start again.

Also, I'm taking a communicating with Men course that I'd like to throw in here as well. This is actually the current priority.

Also, I'd like to start again my Making Space course that I started one or two years ago.

This is going to be amazing. Or overwhelming. Or both But here we are.

Today's interesting aspect: the first day of my Communicating and Men course started with a survey. One of the items was "List 10 questions about your relationship to power and men that you would like to know the answers to."

This has already opened an emotional can of worms (happily so). As I listed one question, I found the answer to it as I was forming my next question, and so on.

I find that I go between feeling undesirable and invisible to all men, to then feeling desired by all men. Why? And as soon as a man shows some interest, I give him all of my power and then am totally at the mercy of him and powers outside myself to maintain my self-esteem and feelings of worthiness. This makes a lot of sense WHY I have allowed myself to feel undesirable, and I've done things to maintain my undesirable-ness; that way my power stays within me.

Let me say that again:

When I feel undesirable to other people, my power stays within me.

Well, shit. This explains a lot.

In the past, as soon as a man starts to show interest in me, I have put all of my eggs in his basket. Even if he's not carrying a basket.

Just like I've given away my power to men, I give my money away. It's like it's on fire and it's too hot to hold.

Writing that, I get a little jump and sensation in my chest/diaphragm. Allowing my power or money to dwell in me or my bank account too long feels like too much. I have to keep myself subdued or dim. Hmmm

Okay, this all opens up a big question in me. It's a question I have been asking for months and years. It applies with my relationships as well as with money. Honestly, I think the energies can be quite similar -

How do I stay open and connected to my own and Universal energy/prosperity/love/abundance in a way that I can be in my own power while interfacing with the rest of the world, allowing it to have its power? This is actually all I desire for myself and the world.

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